


What If

by hamburr_fangirl



Series: Random Hamilton Oneshots [9]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Author Is Sleep Deprived, Depression, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Loneliness, Poor Aaron Burr, Sad Ending, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Thoughts of Self-harm, depressed aaron burr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-04-01 01:09:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13987212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hamburr_fangirl/pseuds/hamburr_fangirl
Summary: He's not suicidal. But if an opportunity arose where he could die without killing himself, he would take it.Without hesitation.





	What If

**Author's Note:**

> I was in a mood.

Sleep doesn't come easy to him. Not any more. His mind seems to hate him when night falls. That brain of his loves to become active just when he thinks he's finally managed to surcome to the bliss that is sleep.

But each time sleep takes him in its arms, his mind grabs him back, spewing such hateful and disgusted words that not even sleep wishes to accept him.

In the dead of night, when most are soundly sleeping, he lays awake, tossing and turning. Words, thoughts and paranoia are his companions in those lonely hours. Each taking their turn to break him apart and then put him back together, only for him to be broken once more.

The cycle is an endless one. And yet, even though he knows how to break it, he never does. That paranoia, the fear and the loneliness have become familiar companions. So familiar, that he is often confused when they don't pay him a visit in the dead of night.

His mind swarms with thoughts. How his friends, they can't possibly be his friends. Who in their right mind would put up with him upon their own freewill? Surely they talk with him only because they feel pity. Or perhaps they just feel obligated to keep him company. 

Alexander for example. He is a childhood friend. Aaron is certain the man would've left him by now if it hadn't been for their childhoods spent together.

He can't help but wonder, in the darkness of the night, if anyone would truly miss him if he were to suddenly disappear. Would Alexander mourn? Would any of his classmates mourn? Surely not. He is no one special. He has nothing to offer society. Why would he ever be missed?

Then he thinks of his sister. Would she mourn? He has no doubt in his mind she would. But surely she would get over it. She wouldn't mourn him forever. Eventually, she's bound to forget him and move on.

And yet, it seems impossible. For him to die. Even though the thought has crossed him many times in the night, when all is silent except for the demons that torment his mind. To die by his own hand... He will never be able to bring himself to do it. He is far too much of a coward.

And then there is the thought of taking a blade to his skin. But if there is one thing he fears, it is pain. He's terrified of what the outcome of such an act would be in the morning. The though of the pain that would crawl up his arm keeps him away from any too sharp objects.

The last thought that crosses his mind before exhaustion yanks him from the torment he's created, is the question what if.

What if he were suddenly hit by a car?

What if a murderer suddenly appeared in his home?

What if a school shooting happens at his school?

These thoughts and many more swirl through his brain, creating a tornado he cannot control. When he thinks of these scenarios, he can't help but wonder what he would do.

If he were about to be hit by a car, would he move away?

And if a murderer were to suddenly appear, would he run and hide?

Each time, he comes to one conclusion.

No.

He would not move away and he would not run and hide. He would stay still and allow death to offer him sweet, sweet release.

Because while he may not be able to do it himself, if there were an opportunity where he could die without committing suicide, he would take it in a heartbeat.


End file.
